Relationship Guide: Step 2 – Create A New Value System

Relationship Guide: Step 2 – Create A New Value System

Through your family of origin, you are born into the world of experience. Your experiences with your family and with society form your internalized family value system. This system becomes the foundation from which you create. Each experience in your life is judged good or bad against this framework.

Here is a hypothetical example of a family value system at work. Your mom says, “In a perfect marriage, the woman is beautiful and the man is rich.” So you go through life with these unrealistic expectations. You obsess over every perceived personal flaw while constantly looking for the “perfect” wealthy man.

You also have the larger family of society speaking into your ear. For example, the community around you might say, “The only road to happiness is to get married, have children, a successful career, and a dog or cat.” Because of this, if you don’t have these things, you think something is missing.

In essence, any relationship you have is based on and judged against the original relationship you had with your family and society. Your relationships become independent of your family of origin and societal experience when your value system becomes independent.

It does not matter how many things you change about yourself (for example, your appearance, career, education, or mantras). It does not matter how much work you do on yourself psychologically, intellectually, spiritually, or physically. Until you change your value system, your relationships will turn out basically the same.

This is what your family value system looks like. You think, you want a man like blank and the order is filled by the universal system of cause and effect. However, your family value system—your foundation—determines the kind of man you get, not your external statements.

The world of cause and effect produces the actions necessary to create what has already been chosen from your family value system. For example, if a highly critical person influenced you as a child, your inherent family value system will recreate a relationship with a man who is critical in your adulthood.

The new man you thought you asked for does not show up. Instead, the old type appears over and over again. You continue building new relationships from old thoughts about yourself while expecting a different outcome, creating a status quo. Doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome is nutso.

The status quo of your family value system is primarily held in place by repetitively questioning your past. Asking yourself questions such as “Why is my mom so cold to me?” “Why did my dad leave me?” and “Why me, why me, why did this happen to me?” just reinforce the original value system that you create your life and relationships from.

These are not the type of Why questions that would expand and develop you, or create change in you. This Why does not come from a place of innocence and curiosity. This Why seeks to blame. It actually perpetuates the drama you seek to avoid. It keeps your family value system alive and well.

But you may think, “If only I knew why he left me, then I would feel better.“ This is what I like to call “Why Insurance.” It is looking for an answer to avoid experiencing the situation again. But behind every Why there is another Why, and then another, and another.

This status quo Why needs to be eliminated from your life.

Using this toxic Why in conversation with another person is just as harmful as using it with yourself. Asking “Why did you do that?” maneuvers a person into giving an answer that you may then criticize, keeping you in the same cycle.

Even when given an answer, you will not feel better because you are looking for an answer that makes you feel safe. Another person’s answer to Why is never as good as yours. There is no Why that can satisfy.

You must transcend the question Why.

Your family value system is based on your childhood memory of experiences, coated with new and ongoing emotions, bringing about a tainted vision of your worth— whether good or bad. This is not your value.

Your Spirit is your true value system.

Your Spirit knows that no experience should come before it. When you make your experiences your value, you have made the experiences more important than your Spirit. When you let your experiences define your behavior, you make the experiences your god. You place a false god before you.

Your Spirit is not mesmerized by your experiences, hypnotized by your emotions, and attached to your joy or pain for its identity. Your Spirit values no experience as your worth. Your Spirit is limitless possibilities and potential. Your Spirit does not need to know why.

You can create a new value system by reclaiming your Spirit, your endless possibilities, and your endless potential the minute you are willing to stand in a Why-free zone.
From this zone you are free to create your love, your relationships, and your life.

Practice the following exercise every day for the next five days. This exercise has two parts.

Part 1: Disconnect from Your Old Family Value System

Go on a people and habit diet. Don’t socialize with your regular entourage, including people at work (if it is possible to avoid them). Don’t engage in your normal conversations with anyone. Don’t watch your regular television program. Don’t read your normal choice in literature. Do nothing the same and do nothing with the same people, including family. Disconnect in as many places as you can.

This is powerful. It will lead you to change. Be on guard, your entourage will attempt to bring you back into the fold.

Part 2: Connect to Your New Spiritual Value System

With your newly available time observe the magnificent world you live in. Meditate or pray in whatever way works for you. Seek out nature in your area. Be observant of the sky, the trees, and the wildlife. For example, if you live in the desert, be observant of the cactus. Don’t just look. Take time to think, feel, and smell. Close your eyes and absorb the magnificence.

The magnificence of the Earth is unparalleled. The ocean, mountains, desert, and rivers stand in brilliant harmony with each other. Recognize that you are made of the same elements as this great and beautiful planet. You are created in perfection. Recognize that perfection.

Does the Earth have a problem being its most magnificent self? No. Does the sky have a problem lighting the night with an abundance of brilliant shining stars? No. Does the Grand Canyon have a problem being grand? No. Does the ocean have a problem being untamable, wild and powerful? No. Does a bird have a problem spreading its wings and flying? Absolutely not.

The Earth and the skies don’t need approval to shine.

Neither do you.

This week, if you find yourself doubting your value, pause and remind yourself that you are allowing old experiences to devalue your Spirit. Focus on nature and connect to it, and say this mantra aloud several times as a quick way to rebalance yourself:

“My spirit is my true value.”
“My spirit is my true value.”
“My spirit is my true value.”

Next Issue – Part 3 – Start with Self-Communication